I was at the gym the other day and I see a woman, mid-forties, she’s wearing tight white pants, her thong is clearly visible, her skin is pulled and tight. It’s obvious she’s older but there isn’t a gram of fat on her body. Her abs are ripped, her legs are muscular. I imagine her pulling away from the gym in a Range Rover or SLK. I want her. I want to know what’s on her workout playlist, if she’s married, when was the last time she had sex, when was the last time it was good. I want to kiss her all over and lay in bed with her. I wanna sneak out of her house in my boxers when her husband comes home. I want her pussy. I want to feel it drip in my mouth. I want to bend her over, pull her panties to the side and eat her pussy from the back, eating her asshole, too. God I wanna suck on her little brown asshole.

And then it all goes away and I’m at the gym and she’s gone. I fantasize to get away. I’m rarely attracted to girls my age. I like some girls around my age but I don’t know how to approach them. Deep down I want a good girl, a nice girl… but deeper down I also feel that a nice girl wouldn’t want me…and I’m stuck settling for what I can get.

I’ve been texting this one girl in school. Her name is Caroline, she’s cool.

…

I wake up in the morning looking for someone to hold. That sweet smell of moisturized skin and shampooed hair. It's unusual that I sleep all through the night — sleep is a fleeting figment of my imagination. I wake up every few hours.. I never know if it’s my mattress or the opiates…dope fiend problems. My mattress is so fucking old. It looks like a chubby girl in a bikini trying to suck it in for a photo. The middle of my mattress touches itself. 

My dad’s friend asked me to speak at some church “men’s meeting,” but I don’t know what they want me to talk about… “Hi, I’m Bryan. I used to smoke crack and now I just go to meetings.”

May 3rd, 2009

Today, I went to church with The Mad Russian. He goes to some crazy evangelical church. It was cool and I tried to listen, but all I kept thinking about was, “All these motherfuckers don’t believe in dinosaurs.” I read somewhere that they don’t believe in dinosaurs.

“Yes, I’m a momma’s boy,
girls like to think I’m spoiled…
all I want is pussy, give me some religion,
a brand new Cadillac and a winning
lotto ticket.”
—Cody Chestnut