I’m still in disbelief. The funeral is on Saturday. It’s going to be an open casket.

Britney came over last night. I enjoy hanging out with her, even if she does drink a lot. I fucked her pretty good, she’s fun. She said I have good stamina, must be all the biking ;). She kept licking my ear just like Courtney. Why do girls do that? I did better this time. I wore a condom, but then it ripped 20 minutes into it and so I just hit it raw.

I let Britney read my diary and she goes, “Umm, no chemical mask, okay?”
“Don’t worry, I only do that to the girls I hate.”
“It’s good to know you don’t hate me.”

Britney is awesome. I saw Stoop and Tim at a meeting on Friday, Stoop’s got three weeks clean “supposedly.” Who knows if he’ll stay clean. He just got out of jail.

January 26th, 2009

My abs are sore from fucking Britney.

I just listened to this lady Samantha on a speaker tape — she was the best I've heard in a long time. After a while, you can really see the difference between someone who works a program and someone who just learns the lingo and tries to sound good. Sometimes I think I’m the shit because I have 10 months, that’s not even a dent. It’s going to take a lot more step work to really feel the change, right now I feel like it’s just homework.

Relapse isn’t a requirement and I know this disease has patience and I know it can wait a lifetime, getting stronger and progressing even as I stay clean, which is why my recovery also has to be progressive; I have to remember to stay vigilant.

If I could just learn from others, I don’t ever have to go back. I already know one is too many. I’ve experienced it, I’ve experienced using against my own will. That’s it, I’m an addict and I don’t need to do anymore research. I know what I am and I know where I belong.