Spoke at the park meeting last night, felt so good, it was awesome. Taylor, the guy with the Maserati, came up to me before the meeting and said, “Stand up so everyone can hear you and just be yourself.”

After the park meeting, my sponsee brother and I gave The Mad Russian his three-year medallion… Mother’s day was great, everything is going good.

I went running for the first time in a while. When I run, I think about what it was like to be withdrawing, I don’t know why, but I do. I guess the pain in my legs and sweat triggers it. I also think about Stoop in a cell somewhere. School sucks, but it’s better than county jail.. he just keeps getting arrested.

I’m reading Tweak. This kid Nic is a fucking idiot. He’s so fucking stupid. I can’t believe he wrote a book on this shit. They should just call it “Getting Clean and What NOT to Do.” It's so obvious his girlfriend is getting high. This kid says “we made love.” What the fuck? Who the fuck makes love with 30 days clean? Go fuck yourself. What a faggot!

He relapses, Nic from the book. He talks about smoking crack for the first time and it scares me so much. Reading his shit just fucks me up… flashbacks of being back in the grips, looking for crack on a tile floor, geeked out, coming down… just for today, Bryan. Don’t lose that concept. Just for today, just don’t use, today, just one day, now, right fucking now, you made it a year but there’s a lot more to life than just staying clean a year. Don’t forget how much you need this. Your life depends on it, you’ll die out there… it’s just a drug, it’s just a drug…

I feel better now.

May 12th, 2009

I read and I get so into the book. I cancel out all the noise in my head. It takes me away from this high school, away from these kids, these clothes, and I’m no longer important, I don’t exist. This kid Nic writes about his meth psychosis and I’m instantly under my blankets, getting high on a Sunday night, scared about going to school on Monday. Smoking crack, spraying cologne after every hit, I go insane, I turn into an animal…

I ran out of Proactive. I was about to get some more but it’s too late, I’m already starting to get a pimple. Ahh! I fucking hate acne. I almost didn’t go to school today. I’m such a girl.

Charity hasn’t returned any of my calls and I worry about her. 

I let some girl read my diary and she said she liked it. I’m just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’d figure I wouldn’t want anyone to read this, but I don’t mind. I kinda like it.

People think coke and crack are sooo different. Yeah, crack is more intense but it’s the SAME fucking shit… don’t get it twisted though, if I relapsed I’m definitely not snorting coke, haha.

I don’t feel good at all today, this book is fucking me up and this pimple isn’t helping…