I feel good today. I'm worried about college. I should just get my SATs and applications over with. I’m such a procrastinator.

It’s lunch and I'm in my car listening to music. I never thought I could stay clean in school, especially with the zero friends thing. I can’t stand being around these kids sometimes. I’m pretty impressed with how focused on my recovery I’ve become.

I saw little Nicole last night at a meeting, too. Man I wanna fuck her. She’s so fucking petite, no lie that bitch is almost a regulation-size midget. She was wearing Angel perfume, too. That’s like the one perfume that is so distinguishable. I just want to fuck her…she gets out of  treatment in four weeks.

I let my friend Estefania borrow my journal to read and she said she started crying. She read this part where I said I’m grateful to be clean, like literally grateful to take showers and shit. She’s probably the one person my age who goes to Western that I’m friends with. I’ll always be her friend. We’re friends, but I still feel far apart from her, like she understands me and I understand her, but we don’t hang out or really talk that much. It’s kind of sad to only have surface-level friends…

I talk to people, I see them out of school, but for the most part I don’t like them and I feel this big empty space between who I am and who they are.

I don’t like this pen.

February 28th, 2009

1:05 am

 Just got back from watching Slumdog with Gio and his halfway. The owner of his halfway is this big fat guy, Adam. He's insanely obese, but he’s got a big heart, too. Every week, he takes all the guys from his halfway out to the movies and pays for everything. He helps so many people. He never sleeps at night, he’s a total weirdo. He stays up all night watching sports, every kind of sport: hockey, golf, football, whatever, and he knows every single statistic about each of them. He knows every single team that ever played in the World Series, every player, what teams they played on, family life, it's crazy. He’ll watch ESPN for hours and hours. Weird how addicts get so obsessive about other things when they get clean. 

I haven’t got high, I’m clean. FUCKING CLEAN. Nothing, total abstinence. It still amazes me. Thank you, God. There’s nothing else like Narcotics Anonymous. Its off the fucking chain. They say meeting makers make it. Well that’s just alliteration. People who work steps, get involved in service and go to meetings make it. Without any of it, I know I’ll be back doing the same low-life shit and feeling the same way. I never want to forget that.