Is my journal so bad? Am I twisted? Does this reflect on who I am? Are these thoughts normal? Is it so different from Johnny Cash singing, “I killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die?” We all have a certain kind of darkness inside us, a black mist that creeps into our heads; we ignore it and run from it. But I’m learning to accept it, and writing it all down just allows it to dance. 

I hate being clean. I can’t stand it for very long. I don’t want to be with myself. And I know what I can do to feel a lot better quickly so I go back to doing what I do best. I use. I always go back to using for no reason other than it works the best. The abstinence shit is whack — fuck that. If being clean was so good then why did I get high in the first place? 

But recovery’s straight. I like it; it makes me feel good, it allows me to work on myself, the ultimate problem, and it gives me a purpose. I have faith that the program works. I have fun in recovery, it’s everything I’ve been looking for. 

It really is the best bag out there. 

None of this would be possible without the program. Some people can stay clean without a program—I’m just not one of them. Especially now that I’ve experienced this feeling, there’s no way I can go back to using or just regular abstinence. Not using isn’t recovery, it’s just a part of it; it’s the main thing but it’s not the whole thing, not by a long shot. Recovery/God is the only thing that can fill the black emptiness I’ve felt my whole life.

My teacher said, “Women are like pearls.” 

I said, “Yeah, pearl necklaces.”

No one got it.

No one laughed.

December 18th, 2008

I had Troy Speak for me at FRC. He got clean at 19 and has like 13 years now.

Jamaica seems to be alright, it still amazes me that so many of us ended up in the horrors of addiction, that everyone’s on blues. 

It’s going to be nice to be clean for the holidays. Mom’s birthday is on Sunday. I’m going to have money to get her something, not just a card saying, I know I haven’t been the best son, but I love you…

So it’s official. I’ve lost the desire to use. I don’t want to get high anymore. I still think about using but it’s not like how it used to be. 

I still get bad anxiety, but I’m getting better. I’m talking, walking, interacting, answering questions and yet still somehow I feel detached. I walk from class to class and I can’t explain it. I’m making my way up the stairs, my head fluttering with thoughts, and the tunnel vision begins. I get lost in my head. 

Winter break is tomorrow, I can’t wait. We have a sub today in Algebra 2, so everyone is going fucking crazy. 

“It’s times like these that got me doing lines like these.” —Eminem

It’s difficult getting used to a variation of feelings that happen throughout a day without having control over them, but I’ve learned that what you can control is your attitude and perspective.

Yesterday Troy said, “Religion is for people who are scared to go to hell and spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.”

I like that.

So we had to make these poems/journals for English class. I made it with pink and yellow paper and wrote Eminem’s “Dead Wrong” verse on the cover of it. Mrs. Dufrane wanted to show it to the school psychologist or at least Ms. Conte, my psych teacher. But then I told her they were just Eminem lyrics and laughed.

This teacher out in the hallway, who I don’t know, but who knows me, said some shit that bothered me. She asked me if “I’m getting my life together,” telling me to “learn and prosper,” asking why I’m getting suspended all the time. I don’t even fucking know her. There are so many things I wish I could explain to her, but I know that would take too long. So I don’t bother. People think that it’s as easy as learning a lesson; that teacher doesn’t fucking know me, how does she even know I’m always getting suspended? 

People act like high school matters, but none of this shit matters. High school is a fucking joke. 

When she mentioned the suspension, I said I’m working on it and it’s not so easy. 

“Yes, it is,” she said.“When you’re young it’s so easy to change.” 

I’m just glad to be alive.