Got new porn. Dude, The Mad Russian has a boatload of porn in his trunk. Who keeps their porn collection in their fucking trunk? He does. It’s cause Amber would kill him if she found it. I don’t know why though, it’s just porn. How can a girl get mad at a guy for jacking off to porn? He gave me some good ones, the jerk fest continues.

Abigail keeps texting me. LEAVE ME ALONE, BITCH.

May 5th, 2009

Last night at the meeting, Charity shared that she was really going through it. She tried to kill herself the other day. I reached out to her and we talked after the meeting and I gave her a big hug. I love Charity. She gave me my first basic text and told me it was okay to cry.

Sean looks like shit. He came to the meeting with some skanky blonde chick and they both look strung out. I hate seeing newcomers all lovey dovey and strung out, sitting together in a meeting like that. I just think, “Yeah, you’re fucked.” How can you work on that loneliness if you're just always attached to someone? Sit up front, shut the fuck up, listen. Meetings shouldn’t be dates.

Sean and I talked after the meeting and he brought up the time I ate all those Xanax and punched the Burger King drive-through menu. They threw me out of the car and left me on my parents’ drive way, bloody knuckles, covered in puke, fucked up. My mom had to take me to Saturday detention the next day, it sucked. I threw up 10 minutes into it and they let me call my mom to pick me back up and I told them I ate too much cotton candy at the fair.

Sean told me that he saw Jamaica a few weeks before he died and Jamaica was thanking him for not letting him shoot up. Sean wouldn’t let him do it. I remember Jamaica telling me that story about how badly he wanted to shoot up but Sean kept saying no… I guess Iggy and Tim weren’t so kind. I can’t help but hate them, Iggy and Tim. I know it’s not their fault, but I see Iggy a lot at the gym or out places and I get disgusted. I fucking hate him. I don’t even know why or if it was his idea. I guess when fucked up shit happens, I automatically find something or someone to blame to try to get it out… Jamaica shot up for the first time and he’s dead now. I need to remember that. I have my own reservations and my own “yets.” I really need to finish my fourth step.