I’m sitting in the cafeteria at school. These kids are fucking lame. Haha, then again, they’re not the ones with the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide on the table. I like working steps during school, it helps me get away.

My sister tried to convince my dad to give me my car back. WHY WON’T HE GIVE ME MY CAR BACK? What the fuck. Just give me the fucking keys already! He’s so fucking stubborn. Now I see why I behave the way I do — he pushes me to do fucked up shit. If I wasn’t working a program, I’d break into the safe and take the fucking keys. I’m so frustrated. I wish I didn’t have a first step so I could get high. Once you accept you’re an addict, it's so hard to use, cause now you know what you’re doing. It sucks. 

Awareness is a motherfucker.

I feel like I gotta do something. There’s gotta be something I can do that doesn’t make me feel guilty. Maybe I can put itching powder in his underwear, maybe I can take his debit card and take some money out and go get one of those hand jobs. I just gotta get through it. It’s been like, three weeks and he still won’t give me my keys back. He says I have to “show that I’m responsible and I have to grow up.” Motherfucker, I’m working steps, the fuck does he do? I’m fucking 17 and I’m working a program. I do what I gotta do every day for my recovery. I don’t stay out late, I don’t fucking do shit. I’m the most grown up fucking person in the entire family!

October 29th, 2008

My mom took me to The Ten last night. I was telling her how much I hated Dad and how fucked up he is. I got so pissed off. I started crying on the way to the meeting. I ask my mom to park down the street cause I’m embarrassed my mom is dropping me off. I wiped the tears and told her I wasn’t going to get high. She puts the car in park and says, “Bryan promise me, promise me you won’t get high again.”

“I promise I won’t get high tonight.” 

She starts shaking her head.

“No Bryan, you have to be done with it. Promise me you’ll never go back to drugs again, you can do it.”

I open the car door and look down the road and back at her.

“I can’t promise you that,” I say and I start walking towards the meeting. 

I look at her and I know this woman loves me. I know she would do anything for me but the love is a million miles away. I can’t feel it. No matter how much she tries to love me, I feel nothing… 

Everyone is smoking outside and drinking energy drinks and coffee. People are blasting music out of their cars, probably like 30 of them outside hanging out. I went into the meeting. At every meeting, they stop and ask if anyone has a “burning desire.” A burning desire is if someone feels like they are going to use, or hurt themselves, or someone else. I raised my hand. 

I felt like using so bad, I talked for like five minutes, tears running down my face, my heart pounding. It felt good to let it out. I didn’t feel like getting high after that.

People came up to me after the meeting, hugged me and told me it’s ok to feel like using. This girl Kelly drove me home from the meeting afterward, she gave me a big hug and said I could call her anytime if I felt like using.

I don’t know how or why but NA is the only place I can feel love.