March 16, 2008

Well today wasn’t such a good day.

On Saturday, my dad gave me the ATM card to go get a haircut. He told me to take out $20 for the haircut and take out an additional $40 for myself. Ok, so I didn’t do just that. I took out an extra $80 on top of that to buy clothes. I bought clothes with most of the money, and pocketed forty bucks to give to BraceFace, my old drug dealer. I called him and he said I can get my watch back if I gave him forty bucks. My mom had given me the watch for Christmas and it was the only decent/pawnable present I got last year - this little Ralph Lauren watch. About a month before I got clean, I gave BraceFace my watch, my dad’s iPod and Bose system and this little gold chain I’ve had since I can remember. I only want the watch back because my mom’s been asking me where it is and I feel bad.

I met him up today and I got my watch back. When I get home, my dad asks if I have anything to say to him, I explain to him what I did with the money.

He screams, “You dumb motherfucker! How can I trust you ever again?”

I close my eyes as he screams at me. He tells me to grab all my books so he can burn them and then he tells me I can’t go to “those fucking meetings” again. I do my best to take in what he says. I don’t yell back and I go to my room and pray with tears running down my face. I hate him so much.

I know what I did was wrong, but I literally don’t know how to communicate with my family. I’ve been lying for so long, I don’t know how to say, “Hey mom, can I have money for clothes? Oh and remember that watch you got me for Christmas? Well, I sold it for pills and I’m going to need forty dollars to get it back.” It’s embarrassing. I try to make things right and end up fucking it up worse... What’s wrong with me?

If I wasn’t going to meetings, I would have gotten high over this. Maybe not right away, but I would have eventually. Every time I get high, it’s to spite someone. “I’ll show you, fuck you, fuck you!” It’s so stupid but it’s what I do.