After school, I went to go see Gio at his halfway house. It’s going to take a long time to shake off that old lifestyle. He said he was slanging mad crack. I could never slang that shit, I just smoked it all up. He said he didn’t like smoking crack and just sold it and was slamming a lot of H. He said had a two-bedroom apartment, but you can never believe addicts. Addicts will be like, “Yeah man, I was a kingpin out there, busting crazy licks.” When in reality they were stealing people’s change out of their cup holders and taking it to Coinstar. Gio does have the gayest tattoo ever though, I’ll give him that. He got it when he was fucked up. He got a mushroom smoking a blunt with a gang flag on its head. Its tattooed on his torso — he’s going to have to get it covered up, it looks like shit. It looks like crayon on a sidewalk. He was in some gang and said everyone was just trapping and tattooing each other, he doesn’t even remember getting it. 

Spanish class sucks. Normally, there’s this girl who sits next to me who wears this tight white shirt that makes her nipples clearly visible and I stare at them until I get hard. That’s always fun. But today she’s wearing some snakeskin shoes — they look like high heels without heels — some nice blue jeans, a pink sweater, and multi-colored scarf… LIKE OMG—FASHION DISASTER!!!! Hahaha, her teeth are kinda fucked up. I’d still fuck though.

On my Spanish notes I just wrote:
El nino is Spanish for the Nino.

Over and over again, I just fill pages and pages with it, my teacher thinks I’m writing notes, haha, that dumb fuck.

I’m laughing in class and people are looking at me. 

That girl California does anal, I wanna fuck her in the ass to redeem myself, I can’t believe I came so fast. God, I’m such a bitch. I should buy some lube after school, too bad I wasted all the lube I had on Abigail’s fucking dried-up cunt. Typically, I’m the one choking girls while I fuck them, but California started choking me, that’s what made me cum so fast. Next time I fuck her I’m going to go all out. I’m going to go to the costume store and buy another mask, or maybe I’ll stick to the chemical mask. Maybe I can order some online, I found some cool ones for cheap… I’m fucking weird.

Last night, Train Wreck Scott gave me a whole bunch of speaker tapes at the meeting, I put it on my iPod. That’s what I’m going to start doing — listening to speakers during lunch. I find myself slipping in my recovery. Why? Cause I got nine months? I know so many people who stay clean for a few months — 10 months, 18 months, a few years — then they start slipping and getting lazy, less meetings, less phone calls, less step work, less service, until they get disconnected and relapse. Well, FUCK THAT. I’m going to STAY CLEAN. I didn’t come this far to give it up. 

When I look around the lunch room, it’s always weird. When I have my headphones on and a pen in my hand, or I’m reading, I feel like I’m someplace else. Maybe that is why I write so much. Maybe I’m just going crazy. I feel like I’m becoming weird, man. The more clean time I get, the crazier I get. Train Wreck Scott talked about that last night, you put the drugs down but the disease is still with us. 

I love Train Wreck Scott. He goes to our 10 o’clock meeting. He’s the man, we call him Train Wreck cause he’s crazy. He’s just super weird. He shakes, it makes me sad. He got really messed up from drugs. He has long hair, a pot belly, acne scars on his face and is totally stuck in the 90s. He wears faded jeans and a wallet chain. I have no idea how old he is, but he’s old, maybe like 35-40, he could be younger but like I said, he got fucked up from drugs. He has been clean for four years. When I first started going to the Ten, I would sit outside by myself and wait for my mom to come pick me up. He was always coming up to me, “Hey, man.” Little by little he would talk to me and get to know me. I always thought he was weird but then I heard him speak. He knew so much about the program. He has an awesome recovery. He had eight years clean at one point but then relapsed for eight years. I’ll never forget what he said to me once. I was sitting outside the meeting, we were talking, sometimes we would talk in the parking lot for hours, a big group of us. I looked up at Scott and said, “You know, sometimes I just want to use and come back. I don’t want to keep using, but I just feel like I’m not ready to totally stop.” He laughed, opened up a box of Nicorette gum, his hands shaking a little, he threw the gum in his mouth and said, “You know Bryan, if we could tell ourselves when we were going to start and when we  were going to stop, we wouldn’t be addicts.” I laughed. It made sense. He went on, “I had eight years clean and I stopped going to meetings, my marriage was going down the toilet and I was depressed, wasn’t making much money, I thought I was going to have one drink, I really did. They say you pick up where you left off but that’s not true. When I started drinking it was as if I had BEEN drinking for those eight years I was clean. That one drink turned into eight more years of using. I nearly killed myself. Everyday I told myself, okay, tomorrow I’ll go back to NA.”

I don’t know why Train Wreck Scott took a special interest in me, but I’m so glad he did. At the Ten, there’s a bunch of young kids who go to that meeting but none of them take this shit seriously. That night, I looked at Scott and I could just tell he didn’t want nothing from me. Shit, I didn’t have anything to give. Sitting in that parking lot at two in the morning, talking, smoking cigarettes, I started to feel that this guy was legit trying to help me. I never felt like that before. Scott always says, “It’s better to be clean thinking about using than to be using thinking about getting clean.”

Ain't that the truth…

I gotta take this fucking Algebra test,
Please God. Allow me to get away with cheating on this test.

January 9th, 2009

FUCK FUCK FUCK, MOTHA FUCK! THAT CHICK NEVER GAVE ME THE ANSWERS, FUCKING WHORE! I SHOULD OF HAD SOMEONE ELSE GIVE ME THEM! She was all like, “Yeah sure, I’ll give you the answers… just give me like 40 bucks.” And today, I try to pay her and the fucking cunt backs out at the last minute! Fuck that bitch!

Put the money in the bad bitch and I won't kill you.
I said I won't kill you. I said i'm not gonna kill you.
hurry the fuck up! “bap bap!” THANK YOU!
WINDOWS TINTED WHEN EVER I DRIVE IN IT —Eminem