January 18th, 2009

3:27am.

Just got back from the strip club. It was Abigail’s birthday and she invited me to go. She was with her loser friends. She was drunk, she looked fat. Her and her friends left to go get high, I think. I know the strip club isn’t the safest environment for me. I got a lap dance from this girl Kaitlyn and she’s doing outpatient. We talked about recovery the whole time. Then I’m getting my face bombarded with tits from another dancer and she asks about my necklace. When I had like 30 days clean, I bought this NA necklace and I’ve worn it ever since. She’s been to meetings before, but had some bad experiences. We talked for almost an hour, I got her number, her name is Jill and I’m going to take her to some meetings.

I think normal clubs are so gay, but I love strip clubs. I love how dirty they are. Normal clubs with all that dance floor gay house music everyone listens to is so lame.

The strip club I went to is just the kind I like — it was ghetto and small. I showed the bouncer my fake ID, walked in and sat down on one of the couches in front of a dancer. This young broad with blonde hair, petite, small tits but a nice ass. She was topless in a green g-string, while “Why Do We Build Castles in the Sky” was blaring through the speakers. I kick my feet up and order a Red Bull. The bitch bends over, I’m thinking, “Show me your fucking asshole, bitch. Show me your asshole, you little slut.” She looks directly at me, bends lower, reaches her left hand back and pulls her g-string to the side and behold, that little brown asshole—THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT! The waitress comes back with my Red Bull, I give her a ten and tell her to keep the change. I light up a Newport, take a sip of the Red Bull and just watch this bitch. The caffeine and nicotine feel so fucking good. The music is loud as fuck, I can’t believe I’m clean, I can’t believe I made it this far. I know the strip club isn’t where I belong, but I had fun tonight.

I started sponsoring Jamaica — that’s crazy! I have a sponsee now!  I’ll tell you more about that later! I gotta go to work tomorrow.

              Bye.

I’m at work, it's 12:17pm. So I’m sponsoring someone now. There’s a sense of doubt in me, as if I’m not a good sponsor and he’s going to go back out. But I know no one can make someone else go back out; he’s responsible for his own recovery. I’m just here to guide him through the steps and give some suggestions.

There’s still a lot of shit I need to talk to Jamaica about. He wants to start taking steroids. Some people think it’s a relapse. I think it’s just living dirty and self-centered that may lead to a relapse. I’ve never taken steroids for a couple reasons… 1. I’m scared to, and 2. I don’t need them. I know how to work out. 

I talked to The Mad Russian about it and he said, “Oh, hmm, this is what you tell him, does he have a camera phone? Ok, good, tell him to get his phone, take a picture of his balls because it’s the last time he’s ever going to see them again. And while he’s at it, tell him to pick up a white key tag, too. STEROIDS ARE A FUCKING RELAPSE!”

Jill, the stripper, texted me. She works all week but is off Thursday, and I think we are going to go to a meeting together. Jill came from a really good family; she said she used to do ballet and theatre when she was younger. She got into a relationship with a kid who used to abuse his pain meds and they both started doing Roxys and then they became heroin addicts. The first thing I noticed when she was dancing were her track marks — they turned me on. I can’t help it, I’m sick. 

I told my sponsee brother and he said, “Sounds like trouble brother,” but that taking her to a meeting couldn’t do much harm.

I checked my exam grades online, I got a 63% on my Algebra 2 test! Thank God!

I told Abigail I’m distancing myself from her. I tried to be nice. I just really don’t like her at all. In fact I fucking despise her. Some girls are hot and I can try to ignore their personality, but she’s not even hot!

• Her toes are weird

• She sounds like an old hooker 

• She smells like cigarettes all the time

• Her boobs are small and pale

• She’s got gross love handles

• She’s soo snooty I can’t stand talking to her

• She’s a terrible fuck
  

The only thing I like about her is her Range Rover. I have no feelings towards her.

P.S. Her pussy smells and is just gross. No way I’d ever go down on her!