Tails came over. It’s always a pleasant fucking experience. We watched Memento and the rest of Trainspotting. And I fucked the shit out of her, bent her over with a handful of her hair. She has really nice long blond hair, tight body, short, pink sweet pussy.

My teacher Mrs. Keen came up to me at lunch. She thinks it’s sad that I sit alone. “Bryan, why are you sitting by yourself?” I take my headphones out, “I don’t know, I don’t have any friends here.” She pulls this kid by the arm and tries to introduce him to me, “Hey, this is Bryan,” she says. the kid laughs, “Yeah, everyone knows him.” Mrs. Keen means well. She invited me to eat lunch in her room if I want. I don’t really feel THAT alone anymore. I socialize and talk to people, but at lunch I just wanna be left alone.

I’m in lunch listening to The Kooks.

“I'm not saying it your fault
Although you could have done more

Oh, you're so naive, yet so

How could this be done?
By such a smiling sweetheart
Oh, and your sweet and pretty face.”

Oh, I quit my job at Xentel. Maybe I can dedicate more time to the gym AND LOSE ALL THIS FAT!

I watched Belly last night. All those movies end in misery and yet it drives my fantasies. As a kid, it was all I wanted. Drugs just brought me to the people, places and things that I saw on TV. I didn’t want my normal life.

Haha, when Tails came over there was all this Astroglide all over my desk from when I used it on Megan. I almost threw up in my mouth. That bitch was so skanky.

When I look around the cafeteria, I see the kids grouping, laughing, high-fiving, shoving, petting, hugging, it’s so strange. I wouldn’t let one of these fuckers touch me. There’s a detachment I have from my peers that I could never bring back together. It gets farther apart each day….what am I doing here? 

Why am I in high school?

Southern Roy is doing this celebrate recovery thing. It's like Narcotics Anonymous but it's religious… ehh, whatever works, right?

I still think about Ashley all the time… and it bothers me knowing she’s not thinking about me.

February 25th, 2009

Didn’t go to school today. Had a dermatologist appointment but it ended up being for tomorrow. 

I’m going to my H&I meeting in an hour, Dennis is back in there. Dennis isn’t doing good. When I saw him sitting back in the same seat he was in just a few months ago, I just wanted to hug him. It sucks seeing your friends struggle to stay clean. I don’t know what else to say about that. 

Jamaica’s mom called:

“Bryan, I was wondering if you had any pictures, videos or recordings of Matthew. I have his voicemail and I went to Radio Shack to try to put it on a CD. I just want to hear his voice again.”

I didn’t say anything. What the fuck do you say to that? And no, I’m sorry, I don’t have any pictures or recordings.

I remember Scott telling me that when his friend died, he managed to save a voicemail and put it on a CD. He gave it to the guy’s daughter when she got older.

Just got back from the Ten! I can’t explain the way I feel, maybe I’m scared about the future, maybe I’m worried about my fourth step. Even after 11 months, living feels so new to me. I just feel weird…