January 29th, 2009

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about needles, crack pipes, pills… Well that’s not entirely true, sometimes it’s just crack pipes…

It's okay though. I think I’m getting used to the thoughts. I still get the thoughts but they don’t grab me like they used to… they used to GRAB ME.

I saw Jole at the Ten, he relapsed last week on Roxys and Oxys. Amber (Southern Roy’s girlfriend) is using Roxys. Erica got high. Just seems like these fucking Roxys are taking every one out. 

It’s not the drug though; there will always be some drug out there that attracts young people. Oh and fucking Gus is probably using right now. He found out his kid is being taken away and now he wants to start a grow house and smoke pot. He should know it will lead him back to crack, but he’s in disease. He’s been living dirty the whole time he’s been clean, though. The other day, he admitted that his entire moving company is being funded by grow houses in California and he’s been laundering his money like that…. Like what?! I guess his business partner has a bunch of grow houses up in Northern California.

I had Train Wreck Scott speak for me at FRC this week, I saw some kid in there who was boys with Jamaica. We were talking about how much of a good-hearted person he was. The funeral is on Saturday. 

Scott said, “The only thing you need to know about God is that it ain't you.” That’s the truth. Scott told me that when you get to the eleventh step it says God’s will is your own true self will and that it cannot be “adequately explained in words.” That’s pretty cool to think that I’m trying to get to a point that I couldn’t even explain it to you if I got there. I guess using is like that, you can’t really explain to someone what active addiction is really like, it’s a type of hell—beyond words.

I still see Ashley a lot at school. I miss her, I miss us being friends, I want things to be okay between us. Ugh, it kills me so much…

Britney told me she’s still a virgin, that’s crazy. She’s a really good person, I don’t think I know anyone my age who’s a virgin. I might be retarded at a lot of things but I always was an extremely good judge of character. From the second I meet someone I can tell if I like them or hate them. There’s no in between with me. When I met Ashley, I knew I liked her a lot. I don’t know what it is, sometimes people ask me why I have such a big thing with her and I don’t even think about it. It’s like why do people like mint ice cream? It’s just fucking good. It doesn’t need to be explained.