2:06am.

Can’t sleep. I keep having racing thoughts, my eyes get so dry at night and I can’t sleep.

Today this girl Jessica asked me if I could help her hang some posters for school shit. I don’t know, it’s like prom queen shit…Ashley was there, in the hallway of school, hanging up posters for some homecoming campaign. I don’t know how that shit works. Ashley was talking to me, but my eye was really bothering me, so I kept rubbing it repeatedly and she just looked at me and I felt awkward and left. 

But she talked to me! 

Sometimes I see her and it’s no big deal and sometimes I see her and I get all anxious and have to walk the other way as fast as possible.

I can’t sleep still. I pulled my shoulder working out. I keep thinking. Thinking about how I hurt her, thinking about the meeting we started, I think about my fourth step that just sits there, I think about what’s god’s will for me, I think about school, I think about college applications. Am I even gonna go to college? Why go to college? College is dumb. Maybe I’m dumb. Am I gunna stay clean? Jamaica is dead. He’s fucking dead, my fucking friend is dead. Then I think about Ashley again… I turn over, turn the lights on and write in you.

I bitch.

I bitch a lot. But I’m grateful, I really am. Being clean is good, I know it’s the right thing. I know using will never answer any of the questions I have.

I know I’m supposed to be here.

May 9th, 2009

MY FAVORITE RAPPER IS IN RECOVERY!

Eminem’s whole album is about using, meetings, relapse... 

The album is okay, like four good songs. I hate when he uses that Comedy Central voice…

….BUT HOW FUCKING COOL IS IT THAT EMINEM IS IN RECOVERY!

Today, I was all excited to go to the porn convention. I even brought my camera. I heard Lex Steele was going to be there. Kevin and I showed up and found out tickets were like $43 and parking was $15. I only had $40 bucks on me. I was pissed. We chilled and checked out South Beach. 

I’m speaking at the park meeting tomorrow. There’s like 100 people who go to that meeting.

Most kids are nervous about prom but I’m all fucked up cause I didn’t get to go to the porn convention and I have to speak at this big ass meeting.

Abigail keeps wanting to hang out. I blew her off. I know if I hang out with her then I’ll
A: fuck her.
and
B: hate her outfit.   

Caroline is so awesome, she let me upload music off her iPod. So happy!