“A day late, a buck short,
I’m writing the report,
I’m losing and failing when I move I’m flailing now.” —Blink 182

Banks and Anderson called me today. Banks is going to start going to the methadone clinic and Anderson asked me where I went to detox.

All… My… Friends…. Are…. Drug…. Addicts… 

Everyone I know is addicted to Roxys. Pretty much the entire Broward County. Pills are so readily available here, it’s stupid not to be a junkie. If you get a bullshit MRI and $200 you can get 120 Roxy 15mgs and 100 Xanax on your first visit. On the second, visit hopefully they bump you up to the Roxy 30s, throw in some Oxy 80s, Klonopin, Valium, get on the methadone line, start hitting up three to four doctors a month. It’s fucking nuts down here. It’s like fucking Disney Land for junk boxes.

I wish I had more friends in school. I wish I had more friends period. I kinda just sit by myself all day. All I do is work out, go to yoga, jerk off and go to meetings. 

Maybe that’s all you need. I just feel lonely all the time.

I saw her at the gym today. Yeah, she still hates me. I can see it in her eyes. I just keep my head down and pretend I don’t see her.

I’m sitting in school, skipping Spanish II. I stole a book of hall passes from my teacher’s desk and just write myself passes now.

“Wasn’t me, Slim Shady told me to do it again.”

I love my iPod. it helps with the loneliness. I don’t like being here.

Last night my sister and I had a really good talk. It feels good to get reconnected with my sister. She’s upset about her boyfriend and she feels addicted to him. I told her the only way is to just let go of him completely, just one day at a time, no texting, no calling, nothing. 

He cheated on her again.

I hate Ja Rule.

October 9th, 2008

Homecoming is on Saturday. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be going to homecoming senior year. I have a black tux, black shirt, red tie and a red vest. 

I brought in my first H&I meeting. I can feel people looking at me thinking, “What the fuck is this kid doing up there?” I’m 17. I can’t even get into FRC — they don’t take any one under 18. I don’t think the people who work there know how young I am.

. . .

11:26 pm

I just fucked Abigail. She seems cooler than last time. I wish she was freakier though, she says I’m too aggressive. 

Abigail: “I can't figure you out. Your eyes show no emotion, you’re like a robot. Can you just say something nice to me? I think you’re the reason I’m turning gay.”

Me: “Every girl I have ever gone out with has gone LEZ!” 

She looks at me and says, “You’re so weird.”

I look back at her and give her a kiss. She starts smiling. 

“Those are just Eminem lyrics,” I say.

We were watching Paid in Full. I just bought it at Movie Stop. We watch some of it and then I fuck the shit out of her with no condom, once again. I think I nutted inside her, just a little. Whoops. I fucked her so hard, even “too hard,” according to her. She said my cock is so fat that it hurts. Maybe that’s just cause she’s so fucking dry, and maybe she’s so dry because she’s gay. She gets dry a lot. I never met a girl who gets dry, maybe she’s had a bunch of abortions or something.

I just jerked off and fingered her somewhat-hairy pussy. Her excuse for it being hairy: “I wax.” What the fuck? Oh you wax, so like your pussy is bald five days out of the month…

I’m going to go check if there’s any blood on my dick.

Coast is clear! My hand smells though. Her pussy is rotten.

She got a new Range Rover and she let me drive it around the block.

When I was driving it I looked around. “Man this car is a piece of shit,” I tell her, and she grabs her chest like what I just said really hurt her. 

“Oh my god, you’re so mean,” she says.

“What? It’s the truth. You don’t buy a fucking used Range Rover. Everyone knows that, you gotta lease them. These are the most unreliable SUVs you can buy. The power windows go out, the AC goes out, the navigation breaks, the suspension breaks, the car is a piece of shit,” I inform her.

She just texted me. 

“Dick. Making me drive home alone.”

I guess she wanted to sleep over. Yeah right bitch. Like I’d ever let a girl sleep over. As soon as I nut I just want them to get the fuck out.

“It’s like point zero zero zero zero percent chance.” –American Psycho

Abigail says she can’t even imagine me high. “Wow you’re clean, and mean as fuck, you’re just a fucking asshole. If I saw you walking down the street I’d swear you were a serial killer”. 

I just give her a blank stare and pull her close and kiss her.