January 24th, 2009

Steven Adler was nodding out like a motherfucker last night on Celebrity Rehab. My disease wants in on some of that. That whole scene reminded me of when I would smoke crack in my room. My mom would smell the dank eery stench of burnt copper and crack. My eyes were rolling around, lockjaw like nobody's business and I’d swear up and down that I was just hung over from the night before. I’d stash the stem, copper and crack in my glasses case and put it in my pillow case. My mom would be searching my whole room, looking for drugs and I’d lay on my bed, gripping my pillow just moaning, “Get the fuck out!!! You’re so crazy!! Get out!! There’s nothing here!” She’d find some Chore Boy and I’d be like, “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you, I was smoking pot the other day.” She knew it wasn’t pot, though. She knew I was smoking crack. She might not have known it was called “crack,” but she knew when I went from snorting coke to smoking it. I put my mom through a whole lot. One day she even said, “Bryan, ya no lo inhalas, lo fumas. Puedo decirlo. ¿Estás... fumando cocaína? I told her she was crazy, caused a huge scene and stormed out the house.

I’m in the gymnasium at school. The kids are playing rugby or some shit. I fucking HATE sports. I just sit in the bleachers and chill.

11:30am.

    Jamaica died this morning.

Like he’s fucking dead.

I just got off the phone with Gio. I can’t feel. He didn’t go to jail, he didn’t start up again, he didn’t crash a car, he fucking died. I don’t know what I should be feeling. His mom must be in shock. His tolerance was probably really low from being clean. Fuckkkk. I was supposed to go over his first assignment last night. I know it’s not my fault but maybe I should of said something, he went to chill with some of his boys last night and I was just like, “Ight, we can do the assignment some other time.”

I just got off the phone with Ricky, one of Jamaica’s closest friends. We all went to the park meeting together on Sunday.

FUCKKKKK. FUCKKKK.

When we went to the park meeting that night, this woman's son had a skateboard and Jamaica wanted to ride it, he kept saying how he could kick flip. Me and James started laughing like, “This fat, black ghetto kid can’t skateboard.” Jamaica grabbed the board and busted a kickflip on his first try. The little kid was so happy.