January 31st, 2009

Amy was so emotional after the funeral, so Gio and I tried to cheer her up with our immaturity. Southern Roy came to meet us up at this sushi place I’ve been trying to take Roy to. It’s fire, like $30 per person and it’s all you can eat. Gio and Amy said they didn’t have any money but I just got my first paycheck and insisted on paying—didn’t think it was going to be so much money but whatever.

So we walk in and I see some dumb bitches from high school. I avoid eye contact and pretend not to notice them. We all sit down, order water and sodas and then we get in line to get food. In line, I see this girl I really like, Estefania, she’s super cool. She gives me a hug and then she tells me that everyone is here for ASHLEY’S BIRTHDAY… fucking great.  Estefania points outside and there’s like 30 fuckers from my high school all sitting outside laughing and having a good time. My heart starts pounding. I’m dressed in all black, and so are all my friends. I look like shit, I feel like shit, I didn’t want to see anybody from school. I walked away with my food and there she was. She was wearing flats and a nice blue dress, she looked at me and I could of swore she smiled but I’m pretty sure it was one of those, “Oh hey, fucking asshole is here on my birthday,” kind of smiles.

My anxiety is going through the roof looking over at the other table. They look so happy. Taking pictures, singing Happy Birthday, the whole sha-bam. FUCKING ASHLEY’S 18TH FUCKING BIRTHDAY DINNER, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Out of all the fucking restaurants, we had to come here.  I sit down and Gio starts telling crazy-ass stories, he starts:

“You know how people say ‘an addict will steal your wallet and help you look for it,’ well, I stole my drug dealer's car and helped him look for it. Okay, so this was like two years ago… I was like 19 years old living with this girl — she had no idea that I was shooting heroin, but I would take her car and disappear for days at a time. She was some rich girl I met on Plenty of Fish and she had huge tits. Anyways, so this one time I take her car and I go over to Overtown. I cop some H in the hood at this hotel,  go in and figure I’ll check in for a day. I get a knock on the door and this big-ass black dude — who looks just like Suge Knight — tells me he’s the dealer and serves up everyone in the hotel. He gave me a little rock of crack to try, shit was pretty fire. I hate crack but I can never say no to it, ya know? So at 2am, I run out of dope and I’m coming down off the little crack I had. I look out the window and I see the dude leave his room. I walk around the hotel, scope the place out, then go up to his door. I start kicking it as hard as I can, I get this little crow bar I had in my girl’s car and pry it open finally. I look around the room and then finally I find it. Under the sink, there’s straight up an ounce of crack — probably the most crack I’ve seen in my life. I grab it but then I hear, ‘This fucking cracker.’ I turn back and fucking Suge Knight is standing in the doorway with some other black dude and some chick. He yokes me up from my neck, lifts me off the fucking ground, and slams me on the floor. He pulls out a gun and shoves it all the way in my mouth. I’m gagging, saliva running down my shirt, I actually pissed myself a little. The girl is telling him not to kill me. I tried to explain to him that it was his shit and that his shit was so good that it's got me out of my mind. I told him I had no idea where I was at. They finally let me go and I think they started to realize I really did piss my pants. So I go back to my room and — wait! Wait! This is the best part. Literally three hours later, I’m still sick and I look out the window of the room and I see his car parked outside. I look in the driver side and the keys are right there. I get in that bitch and sell it for like $300 worth of crack and $500 worth of H a few streets over and walk back to the hotel room. I start smoking the crack and then I hear a bang on the door—its SUGE. I’m fucking scared. I open the door and he tells me someone stole his car last night. I offer to drive him around if he smokes me out, so I drive him totally in the opposite direction of where I sold it and he’s giving me little crack rocks the whole time I’m driving, after a few hours he sort of gives up.”

I think it’s a fucking great story and everyone else does too. Then we just start talking about something else like it’s no big deal. Amy starts telling everyone about how me and her used to use together and how much she hated me back then. “Omg, Bryan was the biggest scumbag, everyone hated him. Like, for real, he was just a piece of shit and now he’s, like, MR. Fucking Recovery over here.” We are all having a good time, but I can’t help but look over and wonder what it’d feel like to be sitting at that other table. 

We were only a few feet away, but to me we were worlds apart. I felt so alone, ashamed, embarrassed. I felt like a fuck-up, like a loser. I just want to be normal. How did I fuck up my life so bad? I’m sitting at a table with Gio, who’s a fucking shot-out Italian kid covered in tattoos, living in a halfway house, and has 40 days clean. Crackhead Amy, who is a fucking mess, randomly crying — she probably has a day clean. Then there’s Southern Roy, who’s been shooting coke, meth and heroin since he was fucking 12, over there laughing and telling Gio about all the whores he’s been fucking. I’m sitting there looking at my table, dressed in all fucking black cause I just got back from my first sponsee’s funeral who overdosed from shooting Roxys. I look back and I look at everyone at my high school taking a group picture and I start to cry a little. I just want to be normal. A little tear started to roll down my face and I wiped it before anyone could notice. I looked back at Gio, and him and Roy were making these sucking cock gestures to some lady behind us who asked up to keep it down. I started laughing so hard. 

Then it hit me, I’M NOT ALONE, these are my friends. I hit Gio on the shoulder, “Chill dude, you’re gonna get us kicked out.” Gio gets real loud, “Man, fuck that lady!” I took a deep breath and I looked at Amy. It was good to see her, I’m glad she decided to come eat with us. She looked happy. She was smiling but also kinda crying, too.

I’m stressed out about college. My dad is fixed on me going to a “UNIVERSITY,” not a community college. I’m slacking on my college apps and I need to retake the SATs AGAIN! But fuck it, I don’t know. I just want to go to Sante Fe and Transfer to UF. I was watching “MTV’s True Life: ‘I’m a College Freshman’” and it’s by far the gayest thing I have ever, ever seen in my life. Gayer than gay porn. I’m just like, WHAT THE FUCK… I don’t know what it’s like to play beer bong or ring of fire. It’s just weird to me, fucking so gay. I feel better than them in a lot ways. Fucking dorks. I just want to be clean, go to meetings, have a job, get some pussy, buy some rims for my car and do better in school.