I’m having some friends from school coming over to watch Teen Wolf, my favorite Michael J. Fox movie. Hahahahaha, “friends from school.” That’s new. They’re my only friends… I’ve gotten close to this group of girls from Mrs. Keen’s class. There’s this part of me that thinks they won’t come over, like at the last minute they’re gonna text me saying they can’t make it. I’m so nervous. My sister saw me making popcorn and getting the TV ready and she says, “Ugh, what are you doing?” “I’m having friends over from school, we’re going to watch a movie,” she laughs. “You don’t have friends from school. What are you doing? Who’s coming over?” I look back at her, “No, for real, my friends from school are coming over.” She get annoyed and kind of irritated. “Whatever Bryan, you’re being fucking sketchy.”

Spin class has really been kicking my ass. I love it. At the end of the class, I find this level of peace that can only be reached after being in excruciating pain. When my muscles are burning, my veins are throbbing, my lungs are pulsating, I start to get tunnel vision like I’m about to pass out, but I keep going, heaving and heaving. I start to think about my life, all the bullshit I’ve been through, the past, the future, the present. I feel the present moment. I’m so exhausted it’s all that’s left. Fucking spin class, covered in sweat, the music hits me, and there I am, still alive.

I’m getting panic attacks, I used to get them a lot when I first got clean. I get them more and more now.

May 30th, 2009

High school is over.

Time to sign up for community college and get a job.