Stressed out!

I still haven’t done my college applications!

Fuckin have to talk to my guidance counselor to send my transcripts!

Fuckin have to do ALL my midterms tomorrow, in one day, cause I’m suspended!

I have to take the ACT on Saturday!

I’m going to do terrible on my AP psych exam and my Algebra 2 midterm because I haven’t been in school!

My dad hasn’t spoken to me. My car is parked in the driveway and the keys are in my dad’s safe. I haven’t started my third step. I feel like using. I’m probably going to community college. My grade point average sucks. I have night school at 5:30pm, it's almost November and I STILL don’t have abs!

FUCK!!! 

Oh, and I ran out of Proactive and I’m starting to break out. GREAT!

…

I just got my SAT scores back... 840.

I got a fuckin 840 on my mother fuckin SATs… I thought you get 1,000 points for writing your name or some shit. Man, 840 is really bad. I know a kid in intensive reading and het got 1,100.

I should have taken some kind of prep course. I always put things off until the last minute!

I signed up to take the SATs again. I applied to UCF. I got some other applications done. I kinda studied for psychology… okay I fucked up this semester. I bet when colleges get my transcripts they’ll just put it into the “Junkie Crackhead” pile.

October 25th, 2008

I felt like getting high today.

I wanted to smoke crack so bad. I wanted to get a big-ass rock, throw it on a stem and fire it up. Pulling on it hard like a cigar, the foggy smoke seeping out my sides, the taste of cocaine hitting my throat, inhaling as hard as I can, holding the hit in, my ears ringing, ringing, ringing, like fucking pots and pans flying around in my head.

I went to go take my ACTs and I got so anxious. I was trying to read the questions but I couldn’t focus. I just kept thinking about crack. My heart was beating so fast, halfway through the test I just got up and left. 

Sometimes I don’t even want to get high, I just want to die. I just want to end it all. I want to grab a bunch of Roxys, shoot 20 of them, shoot a bunch of a crack and kill myself. I guess it would be cheaper and quicker to get a gun, but that’s no fun.

Haha, I called Roy today. He’s been hanging out at the massage parlors again.

“Yo, what are you up to, Roy?”

“Making my life unmanageable.” 

I keep watching this Christian Hosoi documentary. I need to start praying again. I used to pray a lot when I first got clean, like 10 times a day. I just feel so alone all the time. I know Roy and Gus are my friends, and I guess I’m close to everyone at The Ten, but I don’t know, I just don’t feel it. My life has gotten so boring. I just go to meetings, jerk off, go to school, go to the gym and when I come home, I still feel shitty. Maybe this is it and I’m just expecting too much out of life… if this is it I don’t know if I can stay clean.

I don’t want to get high, but I don’t know if I have the will to stay clean.