Megan sent me some real nudies. Her titties are more plump than I fathomed. I bet that pussy’s tight. I should of fucked that months ago!

I’m not going to PE today, I don’t feel like dressing out. I was looking in the mirror yesterday while I was sending dick pics to Kayla and I realized something.

I’M STILL FUCKING FAT! WTF!

My arms are big. I’m maxing out 275lbs on flat bench but I’m still fucking fat. Fuck, why can’t I focus and do some more cardio. When I work out, my abs it hurts my lower back so much, I hate it.

• I want a girlfriend. I’m tried of this crap.
  * Poor Bryan, hahaha.

• SHUT UP! Hahaha.

I just want someone to hold and watch movies with. Someone to take out to fancy dinners, someone to sing along with in the car on the way to the beach, someone to go running with, someone to tickle… 

…and someone who lets me fuck her in the ass. 

There’s a lot of girls I like hanging out with. A lot of cute girls but no one amazes me. Maybe I’m far too insecure to allow a girl to really know me.

I’m still pretty self-conscious, but I think it’s mainly because I’m so concerned about how other people look that I believe everyone does it. When a girl comes up to me in school, my first thoughts are:

• Eyebrows need to be plucked and re-shaped, they look weird as fuck

• Your top doesn’t match

• Your bra looks worn out and gross

• Teeth could be whiter

• Gross toes

• A floral skirt? Really…

It’s just automatic. I’m just a judgmental fuck. 

We’re doing fucking word searches in my integrated science class. Someone hand me the magic markers and Play-Doh… never mind, just the shotgun. I hate word searches. I can’t believe this is fucking real life… one of the words is SCIENCE…ohhh, wow!

I re-read the “Who is an Addict” chapter in the NA book just now. It's everything I’ve been looking for, every answer to every question. The exact definition of my past eighteen years.

I have like six pages left on my fucking fourth step! I want to finish it. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing it wrong and I make up excuses and keep putting it off.

I’m definitely fucking Megan this weekend. My friend said he’ll let me borrow his camera. She’d be down to video tape it. I should have gotten Abigail on film, but then again, sex with her was always disappointing. It’s like pulling teeth to get her to let me fuck her with the lights on…

Gio seems to be doing good. We hang out a lot.

February 23rd, 2009

I have Eleven Months clean…. BITCHES!

Those pictures of Megan were misleading. Her stomach wasn’t flat, her tits weren’t perky, her face wasn’t so cute. I can’t believe I hit it raw. What was I thinking? And get this! So it’s like 11pm and I’m texting her, “Let me know when to come get you.” She keeps texting, “Okay, give me 45 min.” Around 12:30pm, I stop texting and fight off the urge to jerk off. I put my phone's ringer really loud and go to sleep. Every hour or two I wake up and text her. Finally she says, “Okay I’m ready, come get me.” I end up picking this bitch up at 5:20am — the fucking sun is almost up. She’s at some trailer park not far from my parents’ house. I pick her up, she gets in and she looks like Halloween. Thick eyeliner, little tiny black skirt, some weird high socks. Whatever, I take her to my house and I’m digging in her pussy with my fingers and making out with her AND THEN THIS SHIT HAPPENS: I taste a slab of gross get passed over in my mouth. I nibble on it and my entire mouth goes numb. I go back to making out with her and then start fucking her. I’m fucking her with one of her legs on my shoulder, but all I can think about is, “Omg, this bitch is coked up and I just ate one of her boogers - That was coughed-up phlegm!” I felt so guilty and grimy. How the fuck did I put myself in that situation? Her pussy felt like I was fucking a cup of dirt, like she just got a coat hanger abortion right before she came over or some shit. It was all gritty and eww, ah, fuck, it was sick. I fucked that bitch in half, though. She commanded me to cum in her mouth, “Cum in my mouth!!”—WHORE! So I did, I pulled out and rammed it in. I wanted to fuck again but she was probably too coked out to go again. 

*real spiritual Bryan

- I know, fuck me right…

Sometimes the shit I write in my diary disgusts me, eleven months clean and I’m still degrading myself.

The classroom just got really quiet and I screamed, “shut up!” Hahhaha.

Anyway, that’s a situation I don’t want to be in again. I felt like I was copping. Who the fuck waits by their phone until five in the morning and sneaks out their house to pick a girl up — a coked up girl? When we left my room, my mom was doing laundry and even my mom looked at the girl like, “What the fuck is my son doing with this raggedy bitch?”

I fucked three girls last week without a condom…

Gio said he’s down to get tested with me and will go with me this week.

James called me. He said he got high the same time Jamaica did. Makes sense now. His parents are kicking him out today. I told him to go into detox, do a 30-day inpatient and get some halfway vouchers. He’s worried about losing his job. Addicts are so dumb. Here they are on the verge of dying, but they can’t get help cause they might lose their $9-an-hour bullshit job they found on a fucking whim walking around the mall for an hour.

Narcotics Anonymous has truly saved my life and will continue to save me if I keep working it. I wonder where I’ll be next year, where my recovery will be, who I’ll allow into my life, IF I’ll stay clean, who will die… they say you can do anything you want to in this program and you can be anything you want to in this program.

Beyond
    your
        wildest
                  dreams…

as they put it.