A year. 

A year clean.  

A year free.  

THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE DAYS… 

Narcotics Anonymous saved my life.
Keep doing what you’re doing, Bryan.

I’m sitting in my car at Walgreens. I’m so grateful to be where I’m at. There’s no comparison to anything else out there. I’m so happy.

I don’t know what else to write… I guess those people were telling the truth.

March 24th, 2009

Getting my year felt so good. It’s cool to see all the people who saw me get clean come and support me.

Crackhead Amy, Stoop and fucking JT were at the 8:30pm meeting. Every Friday, there’s an 8:30pm meeting and the Ten right after it. I usually always go to both meetings. Stoop congratulated me on my year and he gave me his phone number. Haha, like I forgot it. It’s still 632-0036. That’s a number you just don’t forget. I’ve dialed that kid’s number a million times. Me and Stoop talked after the meeting. “So what’s up Alzate? Tell me what the fuck is going on with you.” I punched him in his arm and said, “I’m clean man. I really am. I’m happy too, man. I wish I could explain, but I can’t. The program works, man.” He took a step back and smiled, “Well, I’m proud of you, man.” JT was walking out of the meeting, stumbling and trying to light a cigarette, “At least one of us got clean.” JT comes up to me and says “Yo, wassup man? Congrats on your year, dawg. All that shit, whatever, it’s squashed, ight.” We dap each other, “Yeah man, it’s whatever bro, it was never personal,” I say.

Amy walked up between us talking and hugged, “Congrats Bryan, you’re a fucking miracle.” She gave Stoop a dirty look and walked away. Supposedly she’s in a halfway and staying clean. She leaves and Stoop says, “Damn, this bitch still mad we robbed her boyfriend.” As he puts my head in a headlock, I quickly get out of it. “Haha, get the fuck outta here. She doesn’t know I was with you.” We say our goodbyes. JT and Stoop are definitely leaving to go get high… JT was obviously already high as fuck.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that I don’t like any of the girls I fuck. 

None of them. 

I can’t tell the difference between love and lust. I think I really like a girl and then as soon as I sleep with them, I don’t feel anything anymore. Do I like hanging out with Erica or do I just tell myself that to escape the guilt of using someone?

Abigail’s Facebook pictures are so misleading. She looks slim and really cute. She’s into photography, so I suppose that’s where she developed her photo trickery…

Gio got James into a halfway house, and I think he’s going to detox today. A year later and he’s back in the same loop.. detox-halfway-detox-halfway…

I’m glad I took that leap of faith.

My medallion says:

                                   That no addict seeking recovery need ever die…

That seeking part is vital. It’s what we’re good at. If you chase this thing, you won’t use.

I have that fucking GLOW IN THE DARK BITCH!

Jamaica’s death still feels so…. unreal.

Everyone came to my medallion. Jon and his brother came, even Jon’s dad showed up. Chris Serrano came and my family came to see it. Of course, The Mad Russian had to give me my first medallion!

It was sweet to see my family there. My father said I shouldn’t curse so much. Before and after the meeting, I got so many texts, hugs and phone calls. Everyone is so proud of me. People have been proud of me before, but this is the first time in my entire life that I can say I’m proud of my fucking self.