11:54 pm

Am I fucked up? Why do I do the things that I do?

When I was fucking Abigail, all I could think about was how much I fucking hate her.

Thoughts:
- She’s fucking fat
- Who doesn’t shave their legs before sex?
- They’re not hairy but they’re definitely prickly
- I’m not kissing her, her breath smells like shit
- OMG what IS that, it fucking stinks!
- Did this bitch poop?!
- I can't breathe, it smells so bad
- Her tits are so small and pale
- Her face looks weird at this angle
- I don’t even like her
- She’s not even hot
- OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL!!!
- She looks so fat when she’s on top
- I should cum on this bitch’s face
- I’ll settle for her ass, I’ll cum on her ass
- I’m still hard but she’s fucking dry
- Haha I stole all her juice already
- I can't believe I’m using lube. What is she? 50?
- This shit is going to get on my bed
- WHAT IS THAT SMELL
- Oh I know what it is!!!! It’s her fucking hair! She’s got this chemical relaxer crap in it!
- That reminds me
- I can’t believe I’m doing this
- Yes I can!

- Ow fuck I pulled a muscle
- She doesn’t even care that I have this mask on
- I love the noise its making, my breathing is funny
- I hope she’s not enjoying this…but I think that she is…

I was fucking her from the back, and I grabbed the mask that was in the drawer next to my bed. I grabbed the mask and put on while she’s bent over, I start fucking her hard with the mask on. She can hear the heavy breathing through the mask. She looks back at me, sees me wearing the mask and then just keeps looking forward.

I can’t believe it, she didn’t even freak out. She didn’t even care. She acted like this was normal. My dick got soft because of it.

“You need to leave,” I say.

She just texted me, asking if I want to go to dinner and a movie this weekend?

Um, no. I just fucked you with a chemical mask! I fucking hate you! No, I don't want to eat dinner with you!

December 15th, 2008

I’ve been stressed out with school. I don’t really do my homework, and I NEED to get a 3.0 for that Bright Futures scholarship. 

Working at the call center is straight, it hasn’t changed. It was my first job ever — telemarketing. Makes me laugh now that I think about it. Back then, I thought it was just a good first job, turns out it’s a junkie job, everyone in​​ The Rooms does phone sales or has at one time. 

Abigail wanted me to go to the Lil’ Wayne concert with her last night. I should have gone but I’m kind of sick of her. Her dad and little brother were going. Yeah, fuck that.

I get nine months on the 23rd… It’s my mom’s birthday on the 22nd. She’s so happy that I’m clean.

I felt shitty when I started this journal. I got suspended for slapping a kid, I didn’t feel good on the inside, I thought I was going to get high, I was having using dreams, I stopped going to meetings for a little, didn’t have a car, but it passed! And look at me now… BITCH!!

I’m doing a lot better.

Things can improve.

I never knew that.