She makes me feel like it’s raining outside…

I failed another Algebra 2 test. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

I wore a nice button-down today. I had my Express jeans on and an expensive Longines watch my dad gave me (that I pawned but got back). I drove to school drinking my pre-workout, taking my vitamins, listening to a new album. I skipped the first hour, I felt great… BUT then! I went to Algebra 2! My spirit was broken, I dwelled in it and felt so empty. I thought about getting high for a little and then thought about killing the blondes in my school. They pile together in the hallways like cooked crack. Sam tried to persuade me to fuck her after school. She’s starting to disgust me. Maybe I resent her cause she ignores me and then tries to fuck me whenever she wants. Stupid fucking little girl. I should fuck her in an uncomfortable position and whisper degrading things in her ear… “Nobody respects you, ya little slut.” Haha never mind, I’m just angry cause she stopped paying attention to me and people have been telling me what a slut she is and that she fucks everyone. I thought I was cool.

I’ve been hooking up with this other girl, Anne. We went to middle school together and she’s got huge tits. She’s a nice girl. If she knew what kind of sickness that lives in me, she would start running. If she knew what I’ve done, what I think… she just hasn’t been exposed to things like I have.

Today I almost started crying. I was on my way to Publix and I started thinking about the past year. When I was using, the only reason I’d be there would be to steal some Simply Sleeps so I could try to downplay the withdrawals. Sometimes I’d take a handful in hopes of killing myself. Those shits were fucking weak though—lucky me.  

It’s funny, feeling saved, rescued, especially when you’re being held hostage by your own thinking. There’s no better feeling in the world than to be given back your freedom. Today in school, some kid came up to me and said, “Damn, you got your year free coming up.”

How did he know to say “free”? 

It’s like everyone knew I was locked up except me.

“Who laughs behind bars?”
“Men that are free”
        —Christian Hosoi.

March 21st, 2009

I went to a party with some kids. As I walked in, the stench of cheap beer hit my nostrils. A bunch of little kids from school were playing beer pong. David Fernandez was trying to roll a blunt in his car, but instead he was just packing weed into a Black-n-Mild. I was doing that in fourth grade. I said hi to some kids who think they know me and left.

Last night, I was planning on fucking Sam but then I had this feeling come over me. I was incapable of doing it. I believe that’s called guilt. I felt guilty cause I’m sort of talking to Erica, and even though I would never date either of them, she doesn’t know that.

Well, well, well, Mr. Alzate. Holy shit, you just felt guilty! Look at that.

Going to the gym, then I think I’m going to the beach with my sponsee brothers.