Opened presents last night, it was cool to be with the family. It’s weird being clean for the holidays, it’s like, “Oh, this is what I’ve been missing.”

Southern Roy was taken to detox the other night, but he signed himself out after a few hours. Gus took his keys from him. Hopefully he’ll come back around.

Haven’t talked to Abigail, I don’t want to... she’s so gay, hanging out with her and her friend just made me have homicidal thoughts.

“Omg, your dad got you the BMW X3? Not even the X5. Haha, what a joke.” Fucking snobby little prostitutes. 

My new years resolution is to start wearing condoms, hahaha, like the whole time. It’s not my fault they always come off!

December 28th, 2008

Southern Roy has a few days clean. 

…I can’t stop jerking off.
   
I wonder if happiness really exists. Or maybe it’s a figment of my imagination. Maybe it’s just a feeling that comes and goes. Hopefully it’s not. I want to feel happiness all the time, I want to know what it means to be satisfied, content, with life. I do feel alone when I’m clean and I can really relate to how Southern Roy was feeling. There’s still a part of me that isolates and doesn’t let anybody in, it lurks in the darkness. I want a girlfriend to fix it, but deep down I know that women are only material, flesh and bone. I’m not capable of being in a relationship, I don’t want people to know me — my insecurities run far too deep. At some point I’ll have to give in, but now is not the time.

I don’t feel so in shape. I think I'm getting fat. Sometimes I hate my body. I’m constantly at tug-of-war. Bigger, smaller, thinner, leaner, wider back, abs, calves, cardio, traps, chest, larger bis, shredded tris. I don’t know what I want.

I attempt to write down what goes on in my head, but it never really comes out the same..

I THINK I NEED THERAPY.