My mom came with me to the park meeting on Sunday and she gave me a medallion. Everyone was going up to her and saying hello and hugging her. My mom is so shy. It was fun to go to the meeting with her. The end of the month is medallion night at the park meeting. My mom was watching all these other people give and get medallions, and my mom went up there. She was nervous. The park meeting is cool, it’s right on the water at this park on the intracoastal under a big giant tree and everyone sits on blankets or brings chairs. My mom got up there and said in her Spanish accent, “You gotta have your faith. I lost a lot of things, but I never lost my faith. I knew that Bryan was going to get clean. I want to thank everyone who helped my son. Bryan used to never smile, he NEVER smiled, and now he smiles.”

After the meeting, we went to the Ten. Gio asked me to speak for him. I did really good, I kinda spoke a lot about using, but I did good. That was probably the best I ever felt. I prayed before I spoke and everything just came out. Doing service is really what keeps me clean.

This guy shared when I was done, and everyone felt like he was downing the mood, but I didn’t. He said, “You don’t got it…ok? You don’t got it, you’re GETTING it.” He told me not to let it go to my head. He’s seen a lot of young people get clean and they eventually go out. He’s right, it’s what I need to hear sometimes. After all, how many people have I seen make it to a year or 18 months but that’s all they ever get? They get disconnected, they forget where they came from, they lose that gratitude, the honesty starts slipping away because now they have all this time they’re scared to tell people that they feel like using, they shut everyone out and isolate, the mind starts to close, the willingness deteriorates and then they believe that lie…"I’ll do one.”

They pull the trigger and you can’t go back after that.

Remember that, Bryan, don’t ever take this shit for granted, you’ll kill yourself out there.

I skipped skewl and went to the gym.

March 31st, 2009

It's hard coming back to school after the weekend. Over the weekend, I forget I’m still in high school. I’m living a different life. Then Monday comes around and fuck… that’s why I skip school on Mondays, give myself some time to adjust.

I can’t remember the last time I slept all through the night… I never sleep.

Erica came over and we watched The Girl Next Door and made out. She wouldn’t let me put my hand in the cookie jar. I don’t know why she’s like that. I feel like I respect girls more who are just like, “Hey, I like fucking, and I like you,” instead of that illusion of waiting and making it “special” bullshit. It turns me off. I wish you’d tell me you didn’t want to fuck cause I would of jerked off twice before you came over, now I got blue balls and just want you to leave so I can go jerk off to some blacks-on-blondes porn.

I like Sam. I know I act like I don’t, but I do… I’m nice to her, she fucks other people and I fuck other people and it’s fine by both of us. Just friends having casual sex, that’s the way I like it. I like Britney too, she fucks other people and I fuck other people. It’s nice to have sex with people and still maintain a relationship, instead of fucking girls I hate and despise (like Abigail)… I’m getting better.

Algebra 2 is making my life unmanageable. I failed last quarter, I won’t be able to get the Bright Futures scholarship... I have to talk to some lady counselor bitch after school today.

I heard Stoop robbed $24 off this kid the other day. Not $2,400 dollars, straight up $24. I can’t knock him though. It’s depressing but I’ve been there before. I can glamorize using all I want, but deep down I know the truth. I know what it’s like to be dopesick waiting in a parking lot praying to God some kid trusts you with his $24 so you can rip him off.

10:11pm

I’m crying. 

I took this guy home from the The Best Meeting Ever. His name is Evan, he’s a good dude and I like him a lot. He’s in his mid-thirties, white, slender, gold front teeth, ghetto, bald-headed, a few tattoos. He missed his son’s birthday because he was out getting high. He’s got three little boys; his oldest is 7, they live with their mom. He didn’t get to see his son on his birthday and when he finally did see him, his son was crying saying “nobody wants to be my friend.”

That just broke my heart. I look at Evan and I know he wants to be a good father and really has good intentions, but he’s got a disease that robs him of everything. I see a lot of people judging him because he can’t stay clean and it pisses me off. There was a time when I couldn’t stay clean either, and it wasn't because I was a bad person, I just didn’t know. I didn’t know about surrender. Evan and I talked in the car, he looked over at me and he said, “It’s not like I’m trying to fuck my life up, Bryan.”

I feel empathy. How many times did I feel that while everyone else shook their heads and judged me? But I wasn’t trying to fuck my life up either. I wanted to do good, I just forgot how…

It just sucks. He said this guy with 25 years clean went up to him and told him, “One thing I can say about you is that you keep coming back. You’re going to get a medallion one day and you’ll be telling everyone how hard it was for you to stay clean. And that pain you go through is going to be the strength for the new comer.”  

Evan hasn’t been able to see his kid, but he said he’s going to go over there and try to give him a birthday present. His kid said he really wants a CD player. It’s 2009 and the boy wants a CD player. Evan is a painter and he did a job today so maybe he can get him one. I know he doesn’t want to neglect his kids. Just talking to him in the car all I wanted to do was help him. He doesn’t even smoke crack, he snorts powder. But it doesn’t matter what the drug is, he has the same disease I do. We’re not bad people, we’re good people with a bad disease.