She responded.

We talked about stupid shit for a while — college and going to the gym. I don’t know what I expected. She plans on moving to New York to do fashion design or write for a magazine.

She talked to me!

ASHLEY TALKED TO ME!!!!!

Oh my god…I can’t stop smiling!
 

You've got your airplane, I've got the plain air out of here
You're gone, I've gone insane, oh, when will you reappear?
I'm just some new kid who can't get his mind off of you
And I know that it's stupid

—Hellogoodbye, “Two Weeks In Hawaii”

February 6th, 2009

THE STRANGEST THING CAN HAPPEN
FROM JABBIN, PREGNANT WOMEN
IN THE ABDOMEN
SO THEY CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN.
–SLIM SHADY

I’m driving to Gainesville today to visit Jon for his birthday. Chris Serrano is coming with me, I’m so excited.

I met this guy last night, he heard me speak at FRC. I can’t imagine staying clean without my service commitment. Sometimes it’s the only thing I have to hold on to.

I’m in lunch. I have my headphones on. I’m by myself and I couldn’t be happier. To hear someone say that my message was fucking awesome and that it helped them want to stay clean… He’s probably 30 and I’m 18. It just goes to show that this can work for anyone. It feels so good. I really love helping addicts.

February 8th, 2009

In Gainesville, I just got back from a midnight meeting. It was one of those meetings that you see on T.V. Nine people sitting at a table at a dark flower shop. They read the readings and the morning meditation that was on sponsorship.

The meetings here are really small. I’m not used to that. It’s so weird to me going to a meeting with only five people. They said all the meetings are like that. In South Florida, we have hundreds of meetings, some with over 150 people. The recovery community is huge. Makes me really grateful that I got clean down here, and there’s so many young people. I’m young, but at a lot of the meetings, over half the people are in their 20s.

I'm more confused about this Ashley situation than I thought I was. 

Are we friends now????! What do I do now…

I texted Abigail to help with this feeling of being alone. Didn’t help.

Jon mentioned how white my teeth are, I don’t think they’re THAT white. I swear, I look in the mirror and I see yellow. What is that? Oh yeah, it's called body dysmorphia.

A year ago today, I had just been released from detox… I had no direction in my life. The chances of me staying clean were statistically depressing. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned in my bed, reality hurt every fucking molecule in me, everything was just raw. Not sleeping sucked so fucking bad. Sometimes I think back to that and I can’t believe I even was able to get through that. I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t able to sleep until I started sleeping. You never really know how shitty things are until they start to get better. I can only sleep for a few hours at time still, but it’s pretty fucking good compared to what it used to be like.

Today, I have 323 days clean. Suck my mothafucking cock bitches! Fuck yeah!